I am struggling. This is difficult for me to admit, but I know that if I don't deal with these feelings, I'm going to ruin a relationship that makes me very happy.
My heart has a rip. Each time I think I have sewn the tear up on one side, the seam comes undone on the other end. I am angry at the one who put the rip there to begin with. It's like that T. Swift song "A Perfectly Good Heart. The lyrics go something like this:
"Why would you wanna make the very first scar? Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"
Specifically, I am having issues with trust, and I am feeling insecure. I have been praying about these things, and I'm trying to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My worth has to come from a higher place and not from any one person here on Earth. This is difficult to do when all around me there are airbrushed and photoshopped images. I can't walk around with a professional hair stylist (it simply doesn't fit into the budget), and I am getting the angry teacher wrinkle at 25 (time is quickly marching down my face).
When it comes down to it though, I've got to give up these feelings. I am living in fear that my current relationship will end the way my last relationship ended, and it's not fair to my beau to put this baggage on his back. He has done nothing to make me suspicious. I'm at the point where I have to ask myself: so what if he cheats? While I would be heartbroken, his actions are out of my hands. I have to take a chance and choose to trust him for what he says, and I have to focus on me. I have to continue to do the things that make me happy and let my worth come from within and from above.
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7
Showing posts with label God is good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God is good. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My Next 25 Years
The other day I was playing a game of (Clean) Dirty Hearts with the gal pals, and I was asked where I saw myself in five years, then I went out on Sunday and was asked where I saw myself in ten years, and my boss wants to know where I see myself in twenty years.
My honest answer? I. Don't. Know. In five years, I'll be the dreaded thirty. Interestingly enough, it doesn't bother me. Won't it be refreshing to stand firm in the comfort of a solid identity? Or will I continue to ask myself where my life is heading? If you'd asked me a year ago (heck six months ago) where I saw myself in five years, I would have seen myself as a married mother of 3.5 children. But now I'm not sure I want that. I want to fall in love again. I know I want that, but who knows if that will be in the next five years or in the next eighty? I want to pulse with anticipation when a certain person pulls into my driveway (who will that person be?). I want to share the morning paper with someone over shitty cereal. I want to make out on a beach, on a ferris wheel, in the back of a truck/car/boat. I want to laugh with someone until my side aches. I want to do all of this and more, but I don't know if I want to marry again until I'm 50 (or ever).
and if I'm confused about where I'll be in five years, I'm even more at a loss with the ten year timeline. I'd like to have a Roth IRA that is performing. I'd like my networth to be over $100,000. I'd like to go to Greece, maybe get a master's degree, finish my poetry project.
I'm turning twenty five in a short 13 days, and I'm faced with this question again: what am I doing with my life? I keep waiting for an answer, for something to hit me in the face and say WHAM! THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. But all I can focus on is the fact that I'd like to make and eat a chocolate pie. So that's what I'm going to do in my next 25 years. I mean, not make the pie (well I probably will bake), but follow all of my heart's healthy desires.
My honest answer? I. Don't. Know. In five years, I'll be the dreaded thirty. Interestingly enough, it doesn't bother me. Won't it be refreshing to stand firm in the comfort of a solid identity? Or will I continue to ask myself where my life is heading? If you'd asked me a year ago (heck six months ago) where I saw myself in five years, I would have seen myself as a married mother of 3.5 children. But now I'm not sure I want that. I want to fall in love again. I know I want that, but who knows if that will be in the next five years or in the next eighty? I want to pulse with anticipation when a certain person pulls into my driveway (who will that person be?). I want to share the morning paper with someone over shitty cereal. I want to make out on a beach, on a ferris wheel, in the back of a truck/car/boat. I want to laugh with someone until my side aches. I want to do all of this and more, but I don't know if I want to marry again until I'm 50 (or ever).
and if I'm confused about where I'll be in five years, I'm even more at a loss with the ten year timeline. I'd like to have a Roth IRA that is performing. I'd like my networth to be over $100,000. I'd like to go to Greece, maybe get a master's degree, finish my poetry project.
I'm turning twenty five in a short 13 days, and I'm faced with this question again: what am I doing with my life? I keep waiting for an answer, for something to hit me in the face and say WHAM! THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. But all I can focus on is the fact that I'd like to make and eat a chocolate pie. So that's what I'm going to do in my next 25 years. I mean, not make the pie (well I probably will bake), but follow all of my heart's healthy desires.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Gifts #1-5
1. First and foremost, I am thankful for the love of Jesus Christ. I think of the song "How He Loves Us" that starts with "He is jealous for me" and later says "if grace is an ocean we're all sinking / and heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss / and my heart turns violently inside of my chest /and I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us." The truth of the matter is that most days I forget how completely God loves me (and you). He wants more than mediocre for my life. He wants my life to be full of JOY. That involves giving up some vices, but we are promised an abundant life throught the love of Christ.
2. I am thankful for an article I read today in an old Self magazine. The article was talking about updating your list of requirements for a mate. The writer's first husband had died, and when she finally started dating again, she had a very different list of qualities she wanted. The part that really spoke to me was the section about wanting to have a good time. She wanted to find someone who said "YES!" to adventure. When I read the paragraph at the gym, it was like a light bulb went off. I, too, want to have wild makeout sessions in the car, travel to beaches across the globe, climb a mountain, camp at Floyd Fest, dance in the rain, ride a bike with someone tandem style, take a cooking class and burn everything and laugh about it. Sometimes other people can take a truth you carry in your heart and phrase it in such a way that it touches you to the very marrow. I am thankful for this experience (and their gift).
3. I am grateful for my Galaxy Girls. I never thought I'd have best friends in my adult life. I assumed that I would get married and hide away in a hole with my husband. And, quite frankly, I didn't believe I'd ever find friends as awesome as the Fab Five in college. But here I am, included in a new group of Fab Five (isn't it interesting that I seem to always find friends in groups of four?) During the past three months, they have been so wonderful and supportive. From letting me crash on a couch to being there when I need a distraction, they have truly been a blessing to me.
4. I am thankful for Margot who is looking up at me with her cute face begging me to play fetch right now. She snuggles with me every night. She's a halfway decent dog. :)
5. I am thankful for work. Idle brains are dangerous. I relish being busy. I also like to eat and pay my bills. I am so thankful to have employment when a great majority of the country is still unemployed.
There they are. #1-5. God bless, and goodnight!
2. I am thankful for an article I read today in an old Self magazine. The article was talking about updating your list of requirements for a mate. The writer's first husband had died, and when she finally started dating again, she had a very different list of qualities she wanted. The part that really spoke to me was the section about wanting to have a good time. She wanted to find someone who said "YES!" to adventure. When I read the paragraph at the gym, it was like a light bulb went off. I, too, want to have wild makeout sessions in the car, travel to beaches across the globe, climb a mountain, camp at Floyd Fest, dance in the rain, ride a bike with someone tandem style, take a cooking class and burn everything and laugh about it. Sometimes other people can take a truth you carry in your heart and phrase it in such a way that it touches you to the very marrow. I am thankful for this experience (and their gift).
3. I am grateful for my Galaxy Girls. I never thought I'd have best friends in my adult life. I assumed that I would get married and hide away in a hole with my husband. And, quite frankly, I didn't believe I'd ever find friends as awesome as the Fab Five in college. But here I am, included in a new group of Fab Five (isn't it interesting that I seem to always find friends in groups of four?) During the past three months, they have been so wonderful and supportive. From letting me crash on a couch to being there when I need a distraction, they have truly been a blessing to me.
4. I am thankful for Margot who is looking up at me with her cute face begging me to play fetch right now. She snuggles with me every night. She's a halfway decent dog. :)
5. I am thankful for work. Idle brains are dangerous. I relish being busy. I also like to eat and pay my bills. I am so thankful to have employment when a great majority of the country is still unemployed.
There they are. #1-5. God bless, and goodnight!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Top Five Lessons I've Learned While Becoming Debt Free
This month I will complete my journey to being debt free. I cannot believe I'm here. I thought it would take me ten years to pay off Sallie, but the freedom is just around the corner. The reality sunk in last night when I was talking with my husband. In fact, I was almost giddy with excitement. Anyway, as I talked with Mr. J about the end of our journey, I came up with a top five list of lessons I've learned while becoming debt free. Here they are for you to peruse:
1. Contentment is everything. Before we got serious about becoming debt free, I complained about what I didn't have. The third month into the budget, I realized something very important: I have everything I need. What a novel concept! I have a home, I always have food, and I have clean running water. I know it sounds cliche to say that some people don't have these essentials, but the fact of the matter is that it's true. There are people all over the world who struggle to put food into their mouths everyday. The fact that I don't have a flat screen t.v. in my house pales in comparison to their lack of nutrition.
2. Get busy living your life. The summer of 2009 was a big year for me. I graduated college. I moved back home. I got my first "real" job. I married my honey. Unfortunately, amidst all these wonderful things, I was feeling a little blue. I had no friends. All of my friends from college had gone home, and all of my friends from home had moved away. My husband was working night shift, so I was pretty lonely. I spent a lot of time watching movies, t.v., surfing the internet, and shopping for fun. I was replacing relationships with people by filling my time with escapist activities. The cold hard truth was that at the end of a t.v. episode, I was still alone. So I started inviting people from work out to coffee. I found a church and became involved. I started volunteering in the community. Now my life feels so full that I've had to start practicing the art of saying no. I'm living my life as opposed to escaping it.
3. Stuff is just stuff. Simple living seemed like such a weird concept to me. Why would I want to bake my own bread when I can buy fresh loaves at the store? Why would I want to do without when I can have more? Even though advertisements try to convince us otherwise, stuff can't make us happy. I realized this as I cleaned out my closet for a yard sale. I had more clothes than I could wear in a month, yet I always seemed to wear the same six or seven outfits even though I always complained about having nothing to wear! I simplified my life and cleared out the clutter. I've never felt more organized. I feel like I have power over my house now instead of my house always feeling like it is out of control.
4. Giving is receiving. Money is a piece of paper. I do not want a piece of paper to be the main focus of my life. In order to move away from the widely held belief that money is everything, I needed to start giving some away. I've been focusing lately on giving God my first fruits. Before now, I would give Him my leftovers. Think about that: God, who gave me everything, gets what is left over after I fulfill my every desire. How stinkin' selfish! I've also been trying to volunteer at least once a month. Lately I find working with my hands so gratifying. My new favorite place to volunteer is called the Christmas Store. The store provides low income families gifts for Christmas. I only spent an hour there, but I was so moved by the experience that I know I'll go back.
5. Prioritize your wants. I could probably make a list of all the things I'd like to have over the course of my life, but I have to start with one thing at a time. Instead of buying everything we want on credit, we will start saving in January for one purchase at a time. Once we've paid cash for that purchase, we can start in on something else. I have a limited amount of cash flow, and I've learned throughout this process that I have to pay attention to my outflow. After all, delayed gratification is so rewarding in the end.
So there you have it: five lessons I've learned while becoming DEBT FREE. Isn't it funny that only one is truly money related? This experience was so much more than just getting a handle on my finances. I thought I knew these lessons because I certainly heard my lips saying some of them out loud, but I didn't know squat. The path to becoming debt free has changed my whole perspective on life. What effect could becoming debt free have for you?
1. Contentment is everything. Before we got serious about becoming debt free, I complained about what I didn't have. The third month into the budget, I realized something very important: I have everything I need. What a novel concept! I have a home, I always have food, and I have clean running water. I know it sounds cliche to say that some people don't have these essentials, but the fact of the matter is that it's true. There are people all over the world who struggle to put food into their mouths everyday. The fact that I don't have a flat screen t.v. in my house pales in comparison to their lack of nutrition.
2. Get busy living your life. The summer of 2009 was a big year for me. I graduated college. I moved back home. I got my first "real" job. I married my honey. Unfortunately, amidst all these wonderful things, I was feeling a little blue. I had no friends. All of my friends from college had gone home, and all of my friends from home had moved away. My husband was working night shift, so I was pretty lonely. I spent a lot of time watching movies, t.v., surfing the internet, and shopping for fun. I was replacing relationships with people by filling my time with escapist activities. The cold hard truth was that at the end of a t.v. episode, I was still alone. So I started inviting people from work out to coffee. I found a church and became involved. I started volunteering in the community. Now my life feels so full that I've had to start practicing the art of saying no. I'm living my life as opposed to escaping it.
3. Stuff is just stuff. Simple living seemed like such a weird concept to me. Why would I want to bake my own bread when I can buy fresh loaves at the store? Why would I want to do without when I can have more? Even though advertisements try to convince us otherwise, stuff can't make us happy. I realized this as I cleaned out my closet for a yard sale. I had more clothes than I could wear in a month, yet I always seemed to wear the same six or seven outfits even though I always complained about having nothing to wear! I simplified my life and cleared out the clutter. I've never felt more organized. I feel like I have power over my house now instead of my house always feeling like it is out of control.
4. Giving is receiving. Money is a piece of paper. I do not want a piece of paper to be the main focus of my life. In order to move away from the widely held belief that money is everything, I needed to start giving some away. I've been focusing lately on giving God my first fruits. Before now, I would give Him my leftovers. Think about that: God, who gave me everything, gets what is left over after I fulfill my every desire. How stinkin' selfish! I've also been trying to volunteer at least once a month. Lately I find working with my hands so gratifying. My new favorite place to volunteer is called the Christmas Store. The store provides low income families gifts for Christmas. I only spent an hour there, but I was so moved by the experience that I know I'll go back.
5. Prioritize your wants. I could probably make a list of all the things I'd like to have over the course of my life, but I have to start with one thing at a time. Instead of buying everything we want on credit, we will start saving in January for one purchase at a time. Once we've paid cash for that purchase, we can start in on something else. I have a limited amount of cash flow, and I've learned throughout this process that I have to pay attention to my outflow. After all, delayed gratification is so rewarding in the end.
So there you have it: five lessons I've learned while becoming DEBT FREE. Isn't it funny that only one is truly money related? This experience was so much more than just getting a handle on my finances. I thought I knew these lessons because I certainly heard my lips saying some of them out loud, but I didn't know squat. The path to becoming debt free has changed my whole perspective on life. What effect could becoming debt free have for you?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ask me how much I owe Sallie Mae? Go ahead...ask me.
My friends, I received one honking tax return. Today, I sent the whole hefty tax return to Sallie Mae (that money grubbin' barefoot, pregnant KY girl). Are you ready for the numbers?
In September, I owed $50,000. Today, just a few seven months later, I owe $27,000. By the end of the month, I'll have that number down to $25,000. Suck on that.
That's right, girls and boys, I have met my payoff goal for 2010. *Cheers all around*
Money plan for the remainder of the year? Continue to apply my whole paycheck to debt payoff. By the end of September, my loan will be down in the low teens (between 10k and 13k).
I realize this may not be a big deal to a lot of people, but I am STOKED. 10k is nothing compared to 50k. God is so good.
In September, I owed $50,000. Today, just a few seven months later, I owe $27,000. By the end of the month, I'll have that number down to $25,000. Suck on that.
That's right, girls and boys, I have met my payoff goal for 2010. *Cheers all around*
Money plan for the remainder of the year? Continue to apply my whole paycheck to debt payoff. By the end of September, my loan will be down in the low teens (between 10k and 13k).
I realize this may not be a big deal to a lot of people, but I am STOKED. 10k is nothing compared to 50k. God is so good.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
It's a Good Day
I don't know if you're experiencing sun where you are, but the weather is absolutely fantastic where I am. Yesterday I got to sit out in the sun and listen to my ipod, and then I went over to my sister's house and hid eggs with her children.
Today we're going to have an Easter cookout. I've got my SPF 50 ready to go! There's nothing I love more than a hot dog, some pasta salad, and SUN.
It's also a good day because I busted through the $40,000 mark on my Sallie Mae Loan! For whatever reason, getting into the $30,000 range makes me feel lighter. I tell everyone I can see about my debt because it holds me accountable. I think there are some people who think I'm nuts. They're so used to having debt that paying it off must mean that I hit the lottery or something. Not true! We're on a budget. When we spend our allotted money, we don't spend anymore. I cut coupons. We live on half of our income and every extra penny is sent to our debt.
If we can do it, so can other people!
The husband and I were celebrating the other night, and we were talking about what we're going to do once the debt is paid off. We've decided (after maxing out our Roth IRA and saving up 6 months of expenses) we're going to take a trip to Hawaii. We've got the place picked out and everything! Then I can spend a WHOLE SEVEN DAYS IN THE SUN. yessss.
Today we're going to have an Easter cookout. I've got my SPF 50 ready to go! There's nothing I love more than a hot dog, some pasta salad, and SUN.
It's also a good day because I busted through the $40,000 mark on my Sallie Mae Loan! For whatever reason, getting into the $30,000 range makes me feel lighter. I tell everyone I can see about my debt because it holds me accountable. I think there are some people who think I'm nuts. They're so used to having debt that paying it off must mean that I hit the lottery or something. Not true! We're on a budget. When we spend our allotted money, we don't spend anymore. I cut coupons. We live on half of our income and every extra penny is sent to our debt.
If we can do it, so can other people!
The husband and I were celebrating the other night, and we were talking about what we're going to do once the debt is paid off. We've decided (after maxing out our Roth IRA and saving up 6 months of expenses) we're going to take a trip to Hawaii. We've got the place picked out and everything! Then I can spend a WHOLE SEVEN DAYS IN THE SUN. yessss.
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