My Heart has a Rip

I am struggling. This is difficult for me to admit, but I know that if I don't deal with these feelings, I'm going to ruin a relationship that makes me very happy.

My heart has a rip. Each time I think I have sewn the tear up on one side, the seam comes undone on the other end. I am angry at the one who put the rip there to begin with. It's like that T. Swift song "A Perfectly Good Heart. The lyrics go something like this:

"Why would you wanna make the very first scar? Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

Specifically, I am having issues with trust, and I am feeling insecure. I have been praying about these things, and I'm trying to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My worth has to come from a higher place and not from any one person here on Earth. This is difficult to do when all around me there are airbrushed and photoshopped images. I can't walk around with a professional hair stylist (it simply doesn't fit into the budget), and I am getting the angry teacher wrinkle at 25 (time is quickly marching down my face).

When it comes down to it though, I've got to give up these feelings. I am living in fear that my current relationship will end the way my last relationship ended, and it's not fair to my beau to put this baggage on his back. He has done nothing to make me suspicious. I'm at the point where I have to ask myself: so what if he cheats? While I would be heartbroken, his actions are out of my hands. I have to take a chance and choose to trust him for what he says, and I have to focus on me. I have to continue to do the things that make me happy and let my worth come from within and from above.

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

It Got Better

and by it, I mean life.

Today is the day I will be officially divorced (provided ex does his part and goes to the court house). Even though the physical process of "goin through a Big D" was quite simple (writing up papers, etc), the waiting was awful (six months in my state since we had no kids). For months, I have been nervously anticipating this day. Even though I wasn't to blame, I've gone through the catalogue of emotions, these being the big three:

Embarassment: How could I ever tell this to people I knew? Here I was, not even 25 and already "throwing the towel in." I could hear people's jaws smacking in the back of my head. I grew up Southern Baptist, and I felt shame and guilt for not upholding one of God's Covenants. But when the other person has already "left" the marriage and has no desire to work on it, what was I to do? Sit at home like a 50's housewife, drinking martinis and pretending like I didn't know my husband was screwing around? I don't think so.

Anger: For awhile there, I wanted to bust some windows out of his car, light a match to his mailbox, have my dad rough him up, punch his skank in the face. But somewhere along the way, I realized he didn't deserve so much energy. I figure since he and this woman don't seem to take commitment seriously (and since I do), they deserve each other! Even in the early stages, I knew in my heart that I was loveable, and lo and behold someone has come along who is completely trustworthy and is as crazy about me as I am him.

Peace and Contentment: I have built a life for myself in a new town. I wedged myself into the community, made a group of fantastic friends, and moved into the cutest little rental house. I overcame some fears (living on my own, traveling alone, cooking for one), and feel like this experience has made me more independent.

I used to dread finalization like the plague, terrified that I would have a crippling case of depression and wouldn't be able to get out of bed, but instead I am (dare I say it?) excited. It feels like once I cut this ball and chain officially off, my life will finally spin into a beautiful state of opportunity, adventure, and happiness. I will no longer tiptoe dangerously close to them, pulling toward them as a metal chain yanks me back. No, I will run free into the deep waters and let out a sigh that only my soul can muster.

If you're going through the Big D, rest assured (from someone who has been there) that it does get better. I can't tell you how long it will take for you to find the peace and contentment stage, but I promise you it is there. I am so thankful to be where I am now because my life isn't just better, it's at it's very best.

I Think March Got Confused...

In like a lamb, out like a lion? What is this? Just the same, I am thankful for:

#16 The 2-3 inches of snow hanging around outside my apartment. It's beautiful!

#17 A random snow day. I woke up this morning to the buzz of my cell phone and a two hour delay. When I woke up again two hours later, I was pleasantly surprised to find out we got a full out snow day! This break allowed me to spend the morning reading, cheerfully cleaning, and praying/Bible studying.

#18. I am thankful for different versions of the Bible. I read Corinthians 7 in The Message and found this verse:

"On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can."

I can't tell you how many times I've read Corinthians 7 over the past few months, and this verse in particular, but something about this translation really touched my heart and made me believe that I am handling my situation in the correct way.

#19. I am thankful for a good night's sleep. I feel so rested for the first time in awhile. I can't wait to get my new bed so I can sleep well every night!

#20. The Pioneer Woman's blog. Can I just say that I had no idea how to cook until I started reading her blog? She taught me SO MUCH about cooking. I'm not afraid to try new things now. Thanks Ree!

Here's to another Manic Monday! :)