My Heart has a Rip

I am struggling. This is difficult for me to admit, but I know that if I don't deal with these feelings, I'm going to ruin a relationship that makes me very happy.

My heart has a rip. Each time I think I have sewn the tear up on one side, the seam comes undone on the other end. I am angry at the one who put the rip there to begin with. It's like that T. Swift song "A Perfectly Good Heart. The lyrics go something like this:

"Why would you wanna make the very first scar? Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

Specifically, I am having issues with trust, and I am feeling insecure. I have been praying about these things, and I'm trying to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My worth has to come from a higher place and not from any one person here on Earth. This is difficult to do when all around me there are airbrushed and photoshopped images. I can't walk around with a professional hair stylist (it simply doesn't fit into the budget), and I am getting the angry teacher wrinkle at 25 (time is quickly marching down my face).

When it comes down to it though, I've got to give up these feelings. I am living in fear that my current relationship will end the way my last relationship ended, and it's not fair to my beau to put this baggage on his back. He has done nothing to make me suspicious. I'm at the point where I have to ask myself: so what if he cheats? While I would be heartbroken, his actions are out of my hands. I have to take a chance and choose to trust him for what he says, and I have to focus on me. I have to continue to do the things that make me happy and let my worth come from within and from above.

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

AFI 10 top 10 Update: The Searchers

I just finished watched The Searchers and WOW! Forget the fact that westerns are completely politically incorrect, I was so into this movie. To be honest, I was not looking forward to this category at all. My dad was a big fan of westerns, and I would always walk through the den while he was watching one on t.v. Suffice it to say, westerns didn't look like my cup of tea.

So when I received the Netflix movie on Friday, I didn't rush to put the dvd in like I normally do. The red envelope sat unopened on my t.v. stand until tonight when I made myself sit down and watch it. I expected to fall asleep because, to be fair, the last AFI 10 top 1o I watched did put me to sleep (boo Laurence of Arabia. boo.).

I'm not sure what it was about this film that had me all wrapped up. Was it John Wayne's sex appeal? My desire to see the beautiful Natalie Wood? Or was I just hell bent on finding out if Scar would be captured and killed? I don't know, but I love this film! I give it a 10! A freakin' 10!