and by it, I mean life.
Today is the day I will be officially divorced (provided ex does his part and goes to the court house). Even though the physical process of "goin through a Big D" was quite simple (writing up papers, etc), the waiting was awful (six months in my state since we had no kids). For months, I have been nervously anticipating this day. Even though I wasn't to blame, I've gone through the catalogue of emotions, these being the big three:
Embarassment: How could I ever tell this to people I knew? Here I was, not even 25 and already "throwing the towel in." I could hear people's jaws smacking in the back of my head. I grew up Southern Baptist, and I felt shame and guilt for not upholding one of God's Covenants. But when the other person has already "left" the marriage and has no desire to work on it, what was I to do? Sit at home like a 50's housewife, drinking martinis and pretending like I didn't know my husband was screwing around? I don't think so.
Anger: For awhile there, I wanted to bust some windows out of his car, light a match to his mailbox, have my dad rough him up, punch his skank in the face. But somewhere along the way, I realized he didn't deserve so much energy. I figure since he and this woman don't seem to take commitment seriously (and since I do), they deserve each other! Even in the early stages, I knew in my heart that I was loveable, and lo and behold someone has come along who is completely trustworthy and is as crazy about me as I am him.
Peace and Contentment: I have built a life for myself in a new town. I wedged myself into the community, made a group of fantastic friends, and moved into the cutest little rental house. I overcame some fears (living on my own, traveling alone, cooking for one), and feel like this experience has made me more independent.
I used to dread finalization like the plague, terrified that I would have a crippling case of depression and wouldn't be able to get out of bed, but instead I am (dare I say it?) excited. It feels like once I cut this ball and chain officially off, my life will finally spin into a beautiful state of opportunity, adventure, and happiness. I will no longer tiptoe dangerously close to them, pulling toward them as a metal chain yanks me back. No, I will run free into the deep waters and let out a sigh that only my soul can muster.
If you're going through the Big D, rest assured (from someone who has been there) that it does get better. I can't tell you how long it will take for you to find the peace and contentment stage, but I promise you it is there. I am so thankful to be where I am now because my life isn't just better, it's at it's very best.