Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

I have to be honest: I hate Mother's Day. I usually become aware of it about a week ahead of time. Either CVS has a reminder posted on their electronic billboard or someone mentions it on the radio. Once the day is mentioned, it's all I can think about.

As you may or may not know, my mother died when I was seven. I have buried this loss so deep inside myself that I simply don't think about it 355 days of the year. Nonetheless, there are two days a year that bring me intense emotional pain: Christmas and Mother's Day. There are other days that make me sad as well, like the day after my wedding was extremely painful. I opened up a gift from my Aunt which was a beautiful collage of pictures of my mother. I had to put the frame in a closet, and I do look at it from time to time, but it hurts too much to see her regularly. And then there are days that I am preparing for, like I know having a child without the celebration of my mother there will be hard.

But Mother's Day is probably the most painful day because it is all up in your face all. day. long. The most hurtful part of MD is my lack of knowledge about my mother. I can't tell you what her favorite color was or if she had a favorite flower, and I feel uncomfortable asking someone to answer these questions. I mean, I'm a grown ass woman. What difference is knowing her favorite color going to make in my life? None, except to know that she was real. That she did take breath on this Earth.

But here is to you, Mom. I didn't buy you any flowers because they always blow away, and I don't like thinking of you in the grave because I see you in the sun and in the birds. Know that I'm thinking about you, and I'm thanking you for giving me life.

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